The Most Unreliable Characters in the Fable Universe!

The oddities around the world of Fable are endless. There is much to find and many things to talk to. Yes, you read that right… things. Not everything in Fable has to be a who in order for you to speak to it. Or even for you to take orders from it. There are plenty of things that will harass, judge, and tell you what to do during your time in the world, so check out our list of the most unreliable characters in the Fable universe!

Demon Doors

These doors aren’t as evil as you would think with their given name. If anything, they are more demanding than demons. These doors won’t open until you complete various tasks. Ranging anywhere from giving the door roses to becoming obese, or eating baby chicks, these doors just want what any door that could talk would want… entertainment. I mean, wouldn’t you be pretty interested to see if any one person would have sex 10 times in a row just to see what was on the other side?

Gargoyles

In Fable 2 is home to what is quite possibly the most annoying character any game has ever been able to come up with; The Gargoyles. Once your character learns the Aimed Range Attack you will start hearing Scottish insults everywhere you turn. It really doesn’t sound that bad, games insult the player all the time. But if you’ve played Fable you understand just how painfully rude these gargoyles are. The only way to get rid of them is to shoot em’ dead. So go ahead, take your anger out on them. I promise there is a sweet underground prize for you if you do.

Gnomes

In Fable 3, the Gargoyles cease to exist and are replaced by Gnomes. Now remember when I said that Gargoyles were the most annoying character ever made? Yeah, that was a lie. Some idiot named Brian decided that he didn’t want to have real friends and that Gnomes would be his supplement. Except when he brought them to life and they scattered around the world to get away from Brian. Possibly because Brian was overbearing, but probably because Brian was just as annoying as them and not even gnomes could handle someone as annoying as themselves. Regardless, what do ya know, it’s up to you to find the gnomes and just like the gargoyles they are going to insult you every step of the way. Sometimes they shout out nice things like, “eat your vegetables,” but they still say it in a really obnoxious way that makes you want to shoot them. Oh yeah, and you don’t get to shoot them. Once you find them they go back to Brian where they live a long, long life. In fact, you don’t ever get to get rid of them and every time you pass by you will be able to hear their singing, which is exactly why they are worse than Gargoyles.

Dog

The dog can either be man’s best friend or mans biggest inconvenience. Introduced in Fable 2 you learn that having a dog isn’t as fun as it was when your parents were the ones taking care of it. If you don’t level up your dog chances are you’ll be wasting more money by healing the damn thing than you will on healing yourself. Trust me, it will bitch and moan until you do. You also learn that dogs aren’t as easy to give away as the movies portray of driving them into a far away forest. If you choose to let your dog get hurt and not heal it, you are more than welcome to leave it there to fend for itself. But that isn’t what is going to happen. What is going to happen is about 4 more hours into your game play, you’re going to have one sad and pathetic looking dog crawling after you and everyone around you is going to judge you. Yup, that dog doesn’t just die off. It’s going to find you and everyone is going to know what a terrible dog owner you are.

Chesty

No, this isn’t the name of a woman with very large breasteses. This is the name of a treasure chest that wants to be your, “Super Best Friend”. Except it doesn’t. It wants to fucking kill you! In Fable 2 after sleeping in the bed of a very expensive house you will be brought into a dream land where you find Chesty. Chesty summons waves of monsters that want to kill you. Upon defeating all the monsters Chesty is sad that you don’t want to be his super best friend. Chesty is clearly delirious because he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He is so sad that he gives you loads of gold and a very rare and pricey diamond; which just so happens to be a piece of Chesty’s heart for not wanting to be his “Super Best Friend”. Don’t you feel like a jerk?

So while you’re preparing for the Fable Anniversary and how awesome your hero is going to be, don’t forget to prepare for all the tricks that Lionhead has up their sleeves. New content means strange new objects that might be able to insult you. So you know what… just go ahead and book that therapy appointment now for your future low self esteem. We won’t judge you, were booking ours too.

Written by Guest Contributor: Damnjacquie